The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
