so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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