my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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