Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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