dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
