Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
