I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
