Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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