I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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