remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize