PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
