Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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