I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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