Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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