I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
