does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
