My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
did i just pee glitter
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
