I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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