Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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