grandma shit on top of the toilet
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
