i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
