They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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