just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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