so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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