I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
