my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
