I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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