Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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