life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
