I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
3pm strippers are depressing
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
