Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
