Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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