You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
