I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
