I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
