there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
