put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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