please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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