I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
