So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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