You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
