Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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