Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
