I need to stop coming to work sober
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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