I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
