We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
