the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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