why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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