If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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