remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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