Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
