So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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