I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
