I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
why do cheetos always look like penises
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
