A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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