We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
