dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My balls are so social today.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
