I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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