i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
