Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Randomize
