I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Randomize