so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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