i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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