Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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