I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
