new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
